A heart divided
A house divided against itself cannot stand, and a mind divided against itself cannot write. Having taken a stance in behalf of the FLDS at a time when the church into which I was baptized 13 years ago has taken a bafflingly aggresive public stance against them has placed me in a very awkward situation. I can’t help but wonder if the leaders of my church are as misinformed about these people as it seems most everyone but their few-and-far-between allies is these days, for the Spirit has whispered to me gently but intently that I was to seek out understanding, that I was to learn about them and their ways. As I followed that personal prompting, a most amazing thing happened. I found that as one allegation after another began to fall away, the people I thought I was learning about bore little to no resemblance to who they actually are. I have been blessed to learn about them, and even to get to know some of them. I have come to love these people.
A couple of weeks ago, in their defense, I tried my hand at a little fact-based persuasive writing–something that has never been my forte. I simply do not have the mindset. The adversarial discourse that such writing invites just tears at something in my soul. By virtue of something in my personality, I can’t follow the news obsessively (as one has to when playing that game), and that leaves me ill-equipped for any debate. I was surprised when the very people whom I thought I had defended so poorly saw enough value in my article to republish it on their own website. It just is not a comfortable role for me, and besides, there are others, such as Bill and Al, who do a much better job as warriors for the truth. As I said, it’s not a comfortable role for me, and so I feel like I just cannot do it.
What I can do, though, is write from my heart. And so that’s what I want to do, here and now, show my heart–my divided heart. I feel a little like Eve in the garden; my heart is a study in contrasts, in opposites. A paradox. The price of joy is sorrow. Fealty means betrayal. Obedience is to disobey. The call of the Spirit to me and the directives from Salt Lake to the world have not only divided my heart, they have broken it. Is that not part of what we are to offer the Lord–a broken heart? And so I have persevered in this strange, disobediently faithful state. It is, though, getting harder as the days go by. I have been unable to write because, out of desire not to be disobedient to LDS church policy, I find myself having to mince my words such that by the time I’m done they feel drained of the very vibrant truth I wanted to share. My crisp, fresh apples have lost all their shape and color and are turned to applesauce before my eyes. And so, I have written nothing.
That is not true; I have written a great deal, but I have published nothing publicly. At least one reader has written me to ask that I break my silence, and for that, I am appreciative. Without such encouragement, I might have just decided to continue to lay low in my silent state of contrast. My silence, though, has bothered me greatly, as silence is tacit approval. Upon being mistaken for a member of the FLDS and quoted as such in a news article, I contacted the journalist who wrote it, and referred him to the LDS church’s website and their push to clarify the differences. I made my emails to him public, here on my website. I’ll confess here and now that I did it out of fear. I feared that if a journalist could mistake me as such, then likely I was on the wrong side of the line when it came to that directive from Salt Lake. The fact is, though, that I never felt good about that. Sure, I encouraged that journalist, and anyone else who may have read the emails, to look deeper when looking at the FLDS people, but really, in the end, I didn’t need to make that correspondence public. After a few days, I removed that entry from public view.
I have little desire to point anyone at the materials coming from the LDS church in regard to the FLDS right now. Ironically, it’s not because of what it says about the FLDS, but rather, it’s because of what it says about the LDS. One of the driving reasons behind the whole thing is that the the LDS church wishes to define itself (as opposed to being ‘defined’ by the actions and attention given another church with a similar name), but what is happening now, what is coming from Salt Lake as a part of this is not indicative of what the Gospel is about, and so I see the very purpose of it all thwarted in the attempt.
I see mention of the church’s “increasing social prominence,” and it just wrings my heart. I see unkind words about the dress and appearance of the FLDS women, and I, myself, feel betrayed. I see bullying of not just the FLDS, but all the other Restorationist churches and individual practitioners over whether they are Mormon the way the more ‘mainstream’ Christian churches bully Mormons over whether or not they ‘count’ as Christian. That is identity theft, far more than incorporating a church with similar historical roots and therefore a similar name. I see the word ‘church’ replaced wholesale with ‘sect’ even though the FLDS are a legally incorporated ecclesiastical organization. I see what comes across as an unaccountable level of insecurity in regard to identity.
What I do not see is language and behavior that behooves what is supposed to be true church of Christ on the earth. If the aim is to define, then I am greatly saddened by the definition that has been revealed. Thus, the joy I have found as I have come to know the FLDS has been in stark and inviolate contrast to the sorrow I have felt as, for the first time in my life, I find myself in indissoluble disagreement with the church.
I went to my husband, the priesthood leader of our home, weeping for the wretched feeling of finding myself uprooted from what I felt was my sound, gospel ground. For the difference between what the Spirit tells me about all of this and what Salt Lake is saying has been heartbreaking. My husband told me, though, that as hard as it is to find myself ‘without’ the church, that I needed to remember that that gospel foundation is not in the church, but in God, our Heavenly Father, himself and the Lord Jesus Christ through the Holy Ghost, and that so long as I made that my true foundation that all would be fine.
Like everything in this situation, though, his comfort was a mixed blessing. For, I still find myself in a strange state of paradox. In my chest beats a heart divided against itself which colors the thoughts of my mind divided against itself as I contemplate my place in the church, which I being a member of, is now a house divided against itself. I have faith, and that faith gives me hope that resolution will come. I must simply have the patience to exercise that faith until the Lord resolves it, however He may do it.
21 Comments
Your writing is beautiful to me. You write the very words of my own heart. I too am LDS and am disappointed by our church for their very strange actions regarding the FLDS. After all, we have so many common beliefs. I joined the LDS church as a convert almost 40 years ago. The power of the Book of Mormon persuaded me and still does to this day that it came to us by the power of God. After following the FLDS story, I began a daily research into the early history of Mormonism and am left astounded at the many things that I had not known before. At present, I am guarded but open to all truth as it may come, no matter where that may lead. My conversion experience was most profound and powerful. I am hungering for a better church experience. Please keep writing about your feelings and experiences. Thank You.
Naiah,
Your honesty and sincerety are an inspiration. The truth is true, and although men and women make mistakes, the author of all truth can see us for what we are, and any who seek Him shall see it too, and I see in you something worth emulating.
Dear Naiah.
Its ironic, but the same has happened to me, when I told one of the rabbi´s that work here what I was doing his response was “Be careful not to go to jail.” And My reaction was not good, but not good towards my faith also, because if one of the spiritual leaders has an answer like that, what else can I expect from them…….. from life……… from everything I have believed since I was a child.
I am also like on a “break”, not from Heavenly Father, hes always here with us, but I am from my faith………. I really dont know how to explain this, but I really do understand what you are feeling.
Wow.
Sara,
You’re welcome, and thank-you. Disappointed is a good way to put it. We have been so helpful and so giving in other situations, it was strange to see that so absent here. In a way, I am glad to know that I am not the only member who has felt that. It’s been hard to find myself in this position, and it is not one that I ever thought that I would be in.
Al,
Thanks so much. I have seen in you, too, much worth emulating. Truth, light and truth…
Maayan,
Shalom, sister. I bet you understand. Gracias.
Connor,
Cryptic.
Everyone who is upset with me for ‘publicly criticizing the church’,
Please do not think that I mean to find fault with or to speak ill of the LDS church leaders; I am just one inconsequential woman. It is not my place to pass judgment on leaders.
I simply mean to express my own heartbreak at having their actions not only not ring of truth and inspire support in me as they have in the past, but to have them unfold in a way so very opposite of my own direct experience and personal whisperings of the Spirit. While what they have done may be right for the church organization as a whole and may be be the best thing in terms of PR in a world where our church needs mainstream social acceptance in the interest of the missionary effort and all that, or for whatever reason they saw fit, it has not been right for me. It has not tasted to me of the sweetness, light, and truth of the things of God; it has tasted cold and bitter. I understand also that they have done what they think is best, but, for whatever reason, I find myself in God-given disagreement. Only He knows why, and only He can resolve it. I have full faith and vibrant hope that He will do so. In the meantime, I felt I had to be fully honest and to say something, because saying nothing in its own way was a lie.
Shalom to you too. But this shalom means peace, peace for your heart cause deeply in mine I know that our free will is correct. Don’t ever think you are doing wrong cause they are the wrong ones, not us. I admire you for your courage for standing up to what your heart believes, this takes great courage and not so many people have it. I feel our heart has been blessed and gifted. Which is the true faith??? Well that is very difficult to know, and its also normal when you doubt because Heavenly Father gave us brains with braincells so we could think and clear all doubts. You will be rewarded for what you are doing. When? I don’t know, but just keep on going!!
with love
Maayan
Dear Naiah and Maayan,
I know we have never met, but I feel a kindred spirit in you as I read your words. I just felt to say thank you and heaven bless you both forever. I rejoice in Heavenly Father for your honesty of heart and your determination to hold to what is true and right no matter what. May He answer your fervent prayers and continue to allow the sweet increase of His comforting, heavenly peace to bear witness to your mind and heart that you are on the right track. You are, dear friends, you are! Oh, that all the world felt as you do!
With sincerest love and gratitude, an FLDS friend
Naiah, I don’t know you, and I can’t remember how I even found you – but sometime in the past couple months, I did, and I’ve been lurking. I appreciate your honesty and your passion. I’ve had several conversations with other ward members about FLDS and have been surprised when they’ve been very, very negative toward them. It is hard to equate a present day situation with things that happened to our ancestors years ago – and to things that threaten our own civil liberties if we’re not careful. We need your voice (and others) to wake us up at times. I wish you peace – I understand the knots that can accompany feeling at odds.
Naiah,
You make me think of a decision I made nearly 20 years ago.
I sat in the Celestial room of a Temple after a session. I had been divorced 6 years earlier. I was very active in the Church. I felt that I was not living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I felt I needed to be doing more. I was frustrated with my Leaders, who thought the answer was- more callings. I prayed that day for our Heavenly Father to let me know what HIS will was in my life. Within two weeks I had my answer. I met a gentleman that introduced me to God’s representatives here on Earth. I have never looked back. My questions have answers. I have much work to do each day towards perfecting my character. It took me many years to put my relationship with the Salt Lake Church in perspective. Without the knowledge I had obtained in the Church, the higher principles and the Gospel of Jesus Christ itself would not have made sense to me. I look at my life today as graduate work. I thank the Lord each day for my life in The Work.
Take care and stay prayerful.
Naiah,
You are experiencing what it means to develope a relationship between God and your own soul. Brigham Young (from Vol 8 JOD) said this..
“This people must be pure in heart. The necessity for this rests upon me day by day, week in and week out, year after year. This people must be sanctified, or they will not be prepared to meet their Lord and Master. This is first of all. It is taught us in all the revelations that we have received in various ways, according to the understanding and gift of communication in those who have communicated this principle to us. But the greatest
and most important of all requirements of our Father in heaven and of his Son Jesus Christ, is, to his brethren or disciples, to believe in Jesus Christ, confess him, seek to him, cling to him, make friends with him. Take a course to open and keep open a communication with your Elder Brother or file leader—our Savior. Were I to draw a distinction in all the duties that are required of the children of men, from first to last, I would place first and foremost the duty of seeking unto the Lord our God until we open the path of communication from heaven to earth—from God to our own souls. Keep every avenue of your hearts clean and pure before him. You may inquire whether we would do away with the ordinances of the house of God. This leads you to them, and it is the only thing that can lead the people to a true knowledge of the reality of facts as they exist.”
Mayaan,
Thanks again. I trust you will have your own rewards, as well, as you persevere.
A thankful friend,
Oh that the world felt as I do…that is my lamentation these days. For the life of me, I just can’t reconcile my experience and others’ impressions. Thank-you so much for your sweet encouragement.
lyn,
It is strange to see how instantly and how negatively people respond, especially LDS members. “Knots,” that’s a good way to put it. Well, maybe I was in knots, but now it’s as if the knots got so tight they tore the cord between them. A broken heart and contrite spirit…that’s ceratinly what I have to lay on the altar now… Thank-you; it’s nice to know there’s someone who gets it. Peace to you, too.
Marie,
Taking care, and staying prayerful. Thanks.
Mark,
Your words really resonated in my heart when you very succinctly summed it up, saying, “what it means to develop a relationship between God and your own soul.” Wow. I’ll have to spend some time pondering my experiences from that angle. Thank-you.
Naiah:
I have been hesitant to say anything, I hope you can read this with a charitable filter – as I have tried to do.
I will first say that I feel the FLDS had their rights violated, and that is very scarry. But I will also say that I have not dug into the FLDS as a group. I really have not felt the need. I do not really care about them any more than I do Methodists, of Baptists or any other religious group. That is not why I am commenting.
I will next say that I think polygamy is at the heart of all of this. That may seem obvious or not. But I think the LDS church is embarrassed by the connection they have with polygamy, and really want to separate themselves from that connection. I have not carefully read what the church has said about the FLDS either, have not yet felt the need. But the church does separate itself from all other religions at some level. This does not mean the separation is hateful in any way. The claims the church makes require this separation.
When it comes to my testimony – it is pretty simple. There is a God, Jesus is the Savior, the Book of Mormon is the word of God, the Priesthood has been restored ….. and that is about it. Everything else becomes a minor issue for me after that. So if some general or local church leader says or does something that rubs me the wrong way, it does not cause a crisis for me. Maybe they are wrong. In most cases it is not a big deal to me.
I draw a similarity between the FLDS and the Amish we have in Southern Michigan/Northern Indiana. They are fine people, God loves them, they are doing just fine. And in many cases, I suppose that the necessary ordinances can be worked out later, and may be a technicality. With perhaps some very rare exceptions, all will be well with them. No big deal.
Because of my mindset (which some may consider apathetic or lazy), I am having a little trouble relating to all this. I have had a few disagreements with how the church has done a few things, but church leaders are not infallible, and I sometimes have a limited understanding or a poor attitude. So this kind of stuff flows like water off a duck’s back. Perhaps you back is not as duck-like (not that there is anything wrong with that
).
Anyway, I am pretty sure this will sort out eventually. Regardless of what …. happens, my brotherly love will continue.
I don’t know if any of this helps, contact me if you like.
Best wishes!
Hi Naiah,
I just have to say, you are one of the best writers I’ve ever read. You can express feelings with such passion and honesty. I hope you are guided to write a book someday…it would be a bestseller!
Has the Spirit whispered to you yet, “Don’t
worry. The Church will be just fine.” ?
I think you might hear that soon. The Church is still young, and like a young child, it is just learning to expand it’s Heart, without fear.
The Truth is the Church IS very loving. (I’m not a member, but I can feel it! And I may join one day). They do SO much good in the
world.
But with this present situation they have stumbled a bit, trying to protect their identity.
But I believe Jesus’ teaches “lose your
identity in Me”. There is nothing to fear in Oneness and joining, because after all, we ARE
One, as children of God.
Many Church members feel this and so are hurt by the Church and some of it’s members trying to play like they are somehow “separate” from the FLDS. We are not separate. We are One.
Don’t worry. The Church will continue to grow and continue to expand it’s Heart. It’s inevitable. After all, God is still in charge.
It’s fun to see your wide open heart! Don’t let fear or worry close it down.
Blessings!
OK. I now have read your post about 6 times, and have read a couple of the articles at lds.org. Now some questions.
You stated in the first paragraph that the church is taking ‘a bafflingly aggresive public stance against them’. While I agree that there is some unnecessary defensive hand-wringing going on, I do not see it as being ‘against’ in any way different than we are ‘against’ any other church with no priesthood and different beliefs and practices. The amount of attention has to do with timing and will probably end soon.
Your third paragraph mentions disobedience several times. Just because you disagree with the tone of some PR statements does not mean you are being disobedient. I am a bit confused as to what you feel you are being disobedient to.
Your forth paragraph mentions being on the wrong side of some directive from Salt Lake. What directive? Did I miss something?
You also mention the Christians/Mormons and the LDS/FLDS parallel where Christians bully Mormons by saying they are not Christians in a similar way to LDS saying that the FLDS are not real Mormons. This is interesting, but there is a little more involved. I think the parallel is more close to Catholic/Protestant and LDS/FLDS. Priesthood authority is the real issue here I think, with polygamy just being an obvious sub-issue. With the authority claims that the LDS church makes (and must maintain) there can not be a middle ground in some areas. When it comes to LDS/FLDS, either they are apostates from that priesthood or we are. These do not need to be fighting words, even though it would be easy to take it that way. And even the Lord said if ye are not one ye are not mine.
Well, this is a far cry from my usual comments. And it is out of respect for you and your feelings that I make the attemp.
Like a flower in the desert that only blooms at night…that’s faith enough for me.
Bethie,
Wait a minute; you’re not even a member? Did I miss something? I thought for sure you were…
Eric,
“bafflingly aggressive” – Elder Cook calling some of their doctrines “repugnant,” the legal letter about the name/designation Mormon, referring to ourselves as a church and them only as a ‘sect’ or ‘small polygamous group’–even when using their name calling them “the group that purports to be the Fundamentalist…”
[I don't deny that they needed to do something, in light of the media requests to their offices for comment on what was going on "in their church" and the later poll that was conducted, but really, a short and simple statement that we are not the same church, and maybe with that video they made posted at the bottom. Just leave it at "we're not them" "here's who we are" - which is what this was supposed to be about, but then it got all caught up in levels of meta-communication, and that simple message got lost in what was revealed between the words.]
I’m glad you think I’m not being disobedient, because I didn’t either until others started telling me that I was–that by advocating for the FLDS that i was working against the church’s efforts at disambiguation and such. Two separate people told me that, by advocating for the FLDS I was no longer worthy of my temple recommend because of the question of supporting/sympathizing…
directive=disambiguation effort, I should have added the qualifier “unspoken,” again, my feeling here stemming from those people who told me that I was on the wrong side of a line.
You are right that the parallel is somewhat more apt with Catholic/Protestant, but really, it depends which side you ask as to who are the Catholics and who are the Protestants. Remember, they feel that WE are the ones who apostatized. They feel they have a legitimate line of authority from John Taylor–the same President John Taylor, who they believe had a revelation that Wilford Woodruff would lead the church astray by abandoning the ways of God for the approval of man, and therefore started another line with the charge to keep the ways alive. (See: http://www.fldstruth.org/sysmenu.php?MParent=HISTORY&MIndex=37)
These people, and many others of similar ‘breakaway’ churches have thought of and called themselves Mormons just as long as we have. Our own leaders have used the term Fundamentalism Mormon to refer to them in past. It’s asinine for the church to suddenly come up and say that they can’t use the term. Ah, here, even better than the Catholic/Protestant parallel, would be the various Baptist churches. All Baptist, all formed through various schisms–just like us. It’s as if the biggest one of those suddenly told all the others that they couldn’t use the term Baptist anymore. Really it is quite asinine. I do hate to call actions by Salt lake asinine, but in this case there’s no other word.
Thanks for the attempt. You know I appreciate your respect and love you like a brother. I can get back on; I can get back on…
Learn to know the truth, and the truth will make you free.
Be faithful to Christ and the Gospel and God will bring peace to your heart.
Keep writing. Perhaps God wants you to?
cheese,
Indeed. Thank-you.
Charles H,
Yes, I am learning how to, or rather that I have to, cleave unto Him in a much more intimate, personal way than ever before.
Perhaps; He certainly blessed me with a desire to do it. If he did not want me to, I have faith that He would have made it known unto me, and so I will do it until He makes clear that I am not to anymore.
Hi Naiah.
I have been very interested in you and what you have to say. I see someone who really wants the truth, and it is so encouraging to see honest, sincere people. After our people had been treated wrongly for so long, it was hard to believe that there were still such kind-hearted people outside of ours(FLDS). But we have come to know differently of late. The Lord has opened the way, and we have been very, very blessed.
I marvel at what you say… and it brings joy to my heart, for I know you are following Heavenly Father’s Spirit in what you are doing. God bless you, and keep going! The Lord does answer prayers! I am sure I can only imagine how it must be for you.
I have been born and raised an FLDS, and I can honestly say that our Prophet today is the most perfect man on earth, and he never has done one tiny bit of what people accuse him of. He is the sweetest, most encouraging, uplifting person you would ever see. I wish you could know for yourself.
I have seen many accusations against him, but let me tell you that anything you see that you love about the FLDS people, it is because of Warren Jeffs. He has taught us and loved us and shown us the way. We only want to be like him, as he is like our Heavenly Father.
I also enjoyed very much your article “The right to opt out.” It was very sweet to me.
Thank you! and I admire your courage in doing what is right.
Naiah,
I was very touched by your writings on this bog.
Thank You.
I don’t care who you are, where you are, what color you are, and who your parents are – when you reach out for Heavenly Father’s Spirit to guide your life, their seems to be great contradictions spring up.
Your feelings reminded me of John Taylor and Brigham Young’s writings on how they felt as they were searching out ‘The Gospel’.
I read these books as an FLDS teenager. I was reaching then to know what I wanted it life.
As a mother and wife, my relation ship with Heavenly Father is the most important thing in my life.
I enjoyed reading how it is in yours also.
I think it is completely ok to care about another group of people (like the FLDS) and even work to eliminate wrong information, or to get involved in helping them.
I do not think that the church’s statements about clarifying who the FLDS are, and what they should or shouldn’t be called has anything to do with what you are doing.
I think what you should be careful about is caring more about one group of people, to the exclusion of other important things. We have seen this on the bloggernacle. People who care more about the “rights” or “treatment” of gay people. Who think it isn’t fair that the church doesn’t want them to marry those they love….either here on earth, or in eternity.
I have seen my sister focus so intently on feminism that it colored how she viewed everything and everyone around her.
What is the prophet’s role? What is the role of the church? I think it is to build the kingdom of God on earth, and to do God’s work…..bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. We are given commandments, some of which we understand while some are more obscure. I don’t claim to follow all the commandments faithfully (who can?) but I do think that the prophet and church leaders are inspired.
I have not read the recent LDS church’s statements about the FLDS. I am sad that they brought confusion and heartache to you. Can you accept that there might be some good purpose to them?
I repeat that I think there is nothing wrong with helping people around you. If you feel like you should help, then help. I think the danger is only if you thinking helping the FLDS means disagreeing with our church. Why would you think that? I think the church is trying to clarify the facts, as are you.
Remember the church leaders have a different perspective than you. They have learned what information they have gathered. You have perhaps gathered different information. I strongly doubt that the church has asked us to not help any FLDS, to not advocate for the legal rights of children or religion.
Please continue to follow the spirit when it comes to doing good works around you. Of course there are people of other faiths who are good people, who have a portion of light and truth and who also feel the spirit. But please don’t be led astray, like many, who let something else become more important than the true gospel of Jesus Christ and their membership in his true church.