What ever happened to the woman who used to write here?
For months now, I have wrestled with varying degrees of resistance to writing here, ranging from my own reticence for fear of pride to outright stupor of thought those times when I’d made up my little mortal mind to just roll my sleeves up and have at it. I’ve called up screens and stared at them until the words “Write Post” were burned into my retinas. A few times I’ve managed to tap out a bit, but never anything inspired, in any way worth sharing, or, occasionally, even coherent.
As the subtitle of this site states, I write here to make sense of it all, to process all the various theses, antitheses, and yes, even my own varying syntheses as they flow through my life and mind. Sometimes I write to process. Sometimes I write to proselytize. Sometimes I write to persuade. Even then, though, when I think I have scrap of understanding that I wish to share, in the process of writing, that God-given ephemeral abstract pursuit of condensing the myriad sensations of existence into linear text, even then I am further cementing the order of my thoughts as I experience their verbalization.
I could not begin to make sense of the last several months of my life if I had two research assistants, a team of experts, and the Oracle of Delphi to help me.
I live in a small town. I like living in my small town. I don’t like leaving my small town. In fact, as a rule, I just don’t unless I have to. Well, last summer, I packed up and left town for quite a while and had what was safely one of the richest life experiences of my 30-odd years. I was blessed, together with my children, to get to spend a month of our summer living with some of the displaced FLDS mothers and children down in Texas. Yes, I went all the way to Texas. Yes, I went to stay with the FLDS in Texas. What a priceless cross-cultural experience!
You see, I had been very moved by both what I had seen of their plight in regard to the YFZ Raid of 2008, as well as what I had managed to learn of their lifestyle previous to it. I wished publicly that I could live among them and learn from them, and that wish was granted. I learned more there than I could even begin to quantify.
That one month is still being processed some six months later. (Has it really been that long?!?! I hadn’t counted until now.) Sure, I said above that sometimes I write to process, but there’s a fair level of pre-writing processing that has to take place before I can even begin to piece together a sentence, and, being a busy mother, I really don’t have anything close to the time to relax and peacefully ponder a body of experience of such depth and breadth and height. I have, at times, impatiently begged for understanding, but I was met with nothing but a quiet admonition to patience. And so, I wait. If He meant for me to have it, I would have it by now, but I don’t, and I’m ok with that.
I, myself, wait rather patiently on the Lord these days. He has kept me plenty busy with volumes more life experience in arenas much closer to home, and so, like a lovingly distracted and redirected toddler, I find myself not even thinking much about the lack of recent posts on my blog. All my concerns about yesterday, and all my fears about tomorrow are remedied by living today as best I can (a spectacular truth that I picked up from my FLDS friends), and so I find myself staying in the moment. So much so that, apparently, six months have gone by before I could even stop to reckon them up on my fingers. All through this time, though, I have been receiving such kind and sweet encouragement to begin writing again, from such different quarters of my life, that I felt I needed to offer some explanation for my silence.
So, there you have it. I’ve been blessed with one of the most priceless experiences of my mortal sojourn, but without the corresponding capstone of understanding. If anything, I’ve learned how little I know, especially when I think I know something (and really that train of thought can get me chasing my tail so long I’ll never write another public word again if I don’t break it off). Perhaps I will need to just set that all aside, and accept that, contrary to what seems like the obvious thing to do with such an exceptional life experience, I may need to just set it on the shelf, and go on writing without having actually made sense of it all.
I do like writing. I love words. Next to flowers, they’re one of my favorite aspects of this world the Lord has given us. Mostly, though, I like the thinking and the moments of clarity and understanding that come along as connections are made and truths are realized, but really, in the end, like flowers, such things are gifts, and it’s not up to me whether I am to be a receiver or not, and so I just wait and cheerfully tend to my work elsewhere.
I think I understand what you are saying. I’ve found it difficult to write about my visiting with FLDS families in Texas. It is hard to describe and I don’t know how to do it justice.
When I worked with my co-authors on Voices in Harmony, I was surprised to find that I hadn’t written in my journal at all during the entire time I was working on that book, not once. My journals actually have a ninth month blank which marks the period dedicated to that book.
)
Naiah:
I found your link from Mary’s blog and was intrigued by your intriguedness with the YFZ culture (I sometimes invent words when my vocabulary fails me). I too share a fascination with the awesome power of words, e g “And God said, ‘Let there be light–And there was light.’”
Words, driven by the power of thought (faith) describe our reality and interaction in this grand experience called life–which brings me to the subject of truth.
What other truths did you discover during your visit with the FLDS? You said, “I learned more there than I could even begin to quantify.” Are you going to share or just leave us in Alice’s Wonderland of, “curiouser and curiouser…?”
It’s great to see you back online again!
It’s good to hear from you Naiah. I’ve been missing you all this time.
Just yesterday I was thinking, “I wonder what ever happened to Naiah?” We haven’t heard from her for a long time. I am so glad you got to go spend time with those wonderful mothers and children. God Bless You!
I could not begin to make sense of the last several months of my life if I had two research assistants, a team of experts, and the Oracle of Delphi to help me.
But, you’ve learned you don’t have to blog.
C,
I believe you write for the same reason most of us write; to give voices to Ida, MeriLee, Max and the Willson’s of the Ranch and FLDS.
I don’t believe any of us non haters would have survived had we been witness to the atrocities of Nazi Germany, because, like now, we would have stood up and said it was wrong.
Our styles are completely different but our goals are identical; we want justice and fair play for these people and not the bigoted persecution that they have continued to endure for well over 150 years.
If we remain silent, the Hilderbrands, Darby’s and Fisher’s get their way and destroy these children and their future. We both know we won’t let that happen.
Welcome back,
) GB
Welcome back! What a beautiful opportunity that must have been. Thank you for sharing. God bless you in your efforts. I enjoy your writing, as it reflects so much of my own heart. I, too, in my spare moments, love to write. Keep up your beautiful writing.
Blessings!
Hello, Naiah!
It is good to see you are writing again. Sometimes the words just don’t come, and don’t come, and don’t come. But when they do, the words you are given express you beautifully. Your words are like smiles from your heart.
Thank you.
Hello Niah, that was a very touching piece to write, and I thouroughly enjoyed reading it. You don’t know what to say sometimes for what you saw, but guess what? Heaven says it for us, He says to not hide our light under a bushel, but to put it on a hill that all the world might see, and we know that in the end Truth Will Prevail. God bless you for your efforts and open mind. I believe He already has.
Its good to have you back! I have been hoping you would chime back in.
Please take the time to tell of your experiences.
Hey Naiah. Nice to see some evidence of your continued existence. I’m still plugging away, sort of. I’m not all that dynamic, you know?
And with all due respect, I relate more to YYZ culture. (I couldn’t resist).
Best wishes.
Dear Naiah,
After my mother returned home from Texas, she was telling me of some of the many wonderful people she met there who came to help and bless the displace families. She told me of meeting this special person there with her children, so I printed up your pages here for her which she greatly enjoyed and she is pretty sure that you were her. Heaven Bless you and yours for all you have done!
Dear Naiah
Welcome back, I missed your posts very very much.
I hope you can continue writing and feed our minds and hearts with your beautiful words.